why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
