its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
