They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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