do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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