i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
