I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
