Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
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Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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