1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
