if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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