How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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