im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
