we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
