I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
