I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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