The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
