I wish I could punch you in the face.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
