I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
