3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
