I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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