and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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