There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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