I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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