chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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