Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
