Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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