Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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