my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
