The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
