Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
