You're my little dorito
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Randomize
