so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
