at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
