Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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