PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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