she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
