if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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