??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
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I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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