Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
