I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
