i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
