Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
a search helicopter?!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
