I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
