The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
