she was so not down for the gang bang
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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