I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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