I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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