Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
