you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
