I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
