I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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