Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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