she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
