hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
