The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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