he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
