she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Randomize
