you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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