I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
