remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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