Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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